if you love me, you should add my new journal.

catamari 

what if i have swine flu?

i am so ridiculously sick.
my core temperature is freezing,
i'm shakey and cold sweating,
my skin is burning up to the touch
i'm delirious
can't walk straight
thinking is all whack
no appetite
slept 18 hrs
my neck hurts extremely bad. i feel like if i crack it, im going to vomit.
naseous
dry, painful coughing that wreaks havoc on my ribcage with every fit (ribcage=tender)
nothing helps, not baths nor tea or medicine or a good laugh or music or sleep or tv or videogames.
i just...straight up... feel like shit. i haven't felt this sick in a long time come to think of it.

-> i handed in an assignment for social for the first time in three weeks
-> i have to buy a dress this week. leanne's party is this weekend and i have a mock united nations debate to attend the following week (and i have to look fancy.)
-> i visited my junior high school counselor today. he's helping me get my shit together.
-> i am infatuated with real jazz music. anything anthony braxton touches is gold.
-> i haven't napped yet today (this is an accomplishment, you see)

cut them out

they are bad news.

my cat crawls under my bed and cries for two hours

it's depressing.

jeez i never have anything clever left to say anymore.

- i've been playing gta liberty city for the past two days, and havent done much else
- i didn't go to school today
- my period came three weeks early. cool.
- i am failing social 20
- my neck and back hurt
- i have to buy a dress (shudder)
- i have heartburn
- my parents are fighting lol
- i watched the boy in the striped pyjamas with jm last night. it was quiiiiite disturbing

idk thats about it
i want to lay down

!!!!!!!!!!

michael says: (8:55:46 PM)
ive been playing that and trying to get the achievments in call of duty
hailey says: (8:56:04 PM)
haha right on,are you still at that chick's place?
michael says: (8:56:08 PM)
yep
hailey says: (8:56:13 PM)
hows that going?
michael says: (8:56:19 PM)
i hate this bitch
michael says: (8:56:22 PM)
she cries every day

this past week has been corrupt by a long, continuous flow of disturbing CHAOS.

aside from the fact that it's apparent that i'm mentally handicapped at making responsible decisions at spontaneous times, i have learned my lesson.
i have also been reminded that i have some of the greatest,most supportive friends on the planet.
not only that but i've learned who i can't trust with telling any of my secrets....

i am terrible at keeping secrets. i've probably told a few too many people but it's k. if it gets out, i have enough spine to back myself up. shit happens, it really does. at first i beat myself up for all that has happened but in the end, its just a cruel act of coincidence.

fucked up pretty bad this time.

i feel like throwing up and when i went upstairs to get tums i was horrified when i found the cat in the closet where all the towels are kept, she pretty much made a nest
jesus christ, no wonder my eyes are so itchy,

there's cat hair all over the towel i've been using in my bathroom

i havent noticed because i dont turn on the lights when i go in there
(risking seeing myself in the mirror is worse than seeing the boogeyman)

i think i want to sleep but when i lay down i can feel my heartbeat and its fucking unnerving
this entry sucks

I  didn’t know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn’t work unless the subject was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truth—if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell.

In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I was more aware of everything—sight, sound, the feel of the cold air that I hadn’t noticed was blowing sharply against my face, the smells coming from the open bar door.

I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.

As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried—late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed.

I know, you cut me loose from contradiction
I know, I'm all wrapped up in my addictions
I know, it's asking for your benediction
I know
I know